THE LEGEND OF TIDY

Everyone has a story to tell.

And since we’ll probably be doing business together, I thought you might be interested in hearing mine. (Even if you think your future business doesn’t include me, it’s still an entertaining story, so read on!)

Being one of many, many children, I grew up in the midst of a happy (if somewhat chaotic) family, surrounded by brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and grandparents of all sorts. Possessed of a mischievous, fun-loving nature, I was also profoundly curious about everything around me.

Eventually, my curiosity prompted me to ask the inevitable question that all parents dread. “Mother, where do Tidy Butts come from?” I asked.

Mother, apparently caught off-guard by my unexpected question, responded as Mothers are apt to do.

“Go ask your father,” she replied.

Obediently, I went in search of my father, and finally found him in the Tidy Lab, puttering with his latest invention.

“Father,” I asked, “where do Tidy Butts come from?”

Father peered at me over the top of his glasses for a moment, then laid his tools aside and patted the bench next to him. “I’ve been expecting such a question from you,” Father began as I settled in beside him. “Are you sure that you’re ready to hear this story?” Eagerly, I nodded. I knew in my heart that Tidy Butts were special, indeed, destined to do great things for the world. Little did I know exactly how great.

“All right, then,” Father said, nodding wisely. “This is The Legend of Tidy, as it was told to me by my Father, who learned it from his Father, and so on — exactly as it has been retold through the ages from every generation of Tidy Butts since the beginning.” I was so excited, I could scarcely breathe.

“As you know, the North Pole, which is the Top of the World, is a magical place where Santa Claus and his clan of elves and reindeer reside.” I was puzzled about what this had to do with the Tidy Butt family, but I nodded vigorously anyway, not wanting to interrupt so soon into the story.

“Well, what many people do not know is that the South Pole, which is the Bottom of the World, is equally as magical. That is the homeland of the Tidy Butts.”

And so the story began.

According to the legend, the first Tidy Butts lived in the peaceful Kingdom of Tidy, ruled by the wise and gracious King Tidy. Everyone lived happily in the Kingdom of Tidy until the fourth year when the Brownnosers from the House of Uranus arrived in the Kingdom, seeking support from King Tidy in their bid for election to the High Council.

At first, King Tidy welcomed them graciously, as was his habit with all such visitors, but eventually the true nature of the Brownnosers began to emerge and King Tidy soon grew irritable and frustrated with their presence. When at last the Brownnosers bid their farewell and resumed their campaigning in other parts of the land, King Tidy was nearly beside himself with Royal Irritation.

“There must be some way to rid myself from the ill-effects of these Brownnosers!” the irritated King Tidy exclaimed. “Find me some relief at once!”

The Court Physicians huddled together, whispering anxiously, for they had no idea what could be done to soothe such Royal Irritation. Sensing that the Court Physicians were truly puzzled by this dilemma, the King’s faithful Tidy Servant quietly approached the King. “Sire,” Tidy Servant said calmly, “I know of someone who might help you. In my village lives a family of Tidy Butts. They have a most wonderful reputation for soothing irritations of this sort, if you are but willing to follow their every instruction.”

“Send for them at once!” bellowed the irritable King Tidy.

And so it happened that the first Tidy Butt arrived at Court, charged with the enormous task of soothing the Royal Irritation brought about by the Brownnosers of Uranus, who were seeking election to the High Council.

True to his word, the King followed every instruction given by Tidy Butt. In fact, the King was so delighted with the instant relief that he experienced as a result of his Tidy Butt treatment, that he proclaimed Tidy Butt a National Treasure and declared that henceforth throughout his Kingdom whenever anyone experienced the telltale symptoms of twitching and puckering associated with the arrival of the Brownnosers, Tidy Butt was to be summoned immediately to provide Soothing Relief to all who dwelled within the Kingdom.

From that time forward, peace and tranquillity reigned supreme in the Kingdom of Tidy — even four years later when the Brownnosers arrived again seeking re-election.

“And so,” Father said, concluding his story, “since the earliest days in the Kingdom of Tidy, all Tidy Butts have had the Sacred Duty of soothing Royal Irritations, great and small. One day, you, too, will be called upon to fulfill this sacred obligation.”

I gazed at Father in awe. “Have you, too, fulfilled such a duty, Father?” I asked.

Father only smiled and winked.

And so, the Legend of Tidy lives on, as told to me by my Father, who was told by his Father, and so on — exactly as it has been retold through the ages from every generation of Tidy Butts since the beginning.

As it happens, I’m still waiting to fulfill my own Sacred Duty.

Are you ready to do business?